Well, I guess I could have just picked the top five WORST malls in the city, but the sixth, and truly worst mall deserves a very special place of recognition beyond the standard top 5 listing. The worst mall is so bad that it almost warrants an entire article devoted to its near-unfathomable shittiness. Here we go:
#6 SCARBOROUGH TOWN CENTRE (hon. mention)
This mall isn't really all that bad if you view it in the context of how "ghetto" it looks. Actually, quite the contrary, it is has a pleasing architectural design, it's clean and very well lit, it has all the standard department stores and boutiques that you'd find in any decent mall- however, there is one glaringly colossal factor that earns this particular mall a place amongst the rest of this rather dubious group. Superficial appearances aside, it is widely known by all who've ever visited before, as the BIG mall where EVERY single ex-lover, ex-coworker, arch-enemy, one-night-stand, or vague high school acquaintance you've ever known is either shopping or working there. Even if you enter the building with the stealthy swiftness of a ninja master, you can always expect the obligatory chance encounter with that one person who crawls out of the deep, dark corners of your past; even though you hoped and prayed to God you would NEVER have to see their fucking faces ever again.
Imagine this scenario if you will; you're in a line to purchase some socks, just as you hand over the cash to pay, your wandering eyes catch the cashier's. Time seems to stand still, and a cold, nervous, sweat breaks out all over your back. "I know this person... How do I know this person??? Oh FUCK, he/she knows me!" flashes through your brain as you smile reassuringly, searching for a name. What ensues is the most awkward, superficial, and painfully phony conversation you've ever exchanged with another human being. Half way through, you may actually remember their name, and along with it, the repressed memory that they were either the big kid that mashed a sandwich into your face and beat the shit out of you at lunchtime or some dumb-ass who licked a dog turd from the playground floor because you "double-dared" him to. At times like this, we all need a tiny effeminate gnome to pop out of nowhere and interrupt the conversation by announcing in his high, lispy voice "Thisss is so AWKWAAAAARD!" and then vanish into the mist.
After you've both finished pretending to give a flying-fuck about what either of you have been doing with your lives for the past 5 years, you part ways in the most contrived and callous fashion "Yeah, that's great... well I gotta run, I guess I'll see you around!" (A creepy farewell hug or limp-dick handshake at the end only serves multiply the overall shittiness of the entire episode). The statistically unavoidable reality that you WILL experience this sensation if you enter this mall or it's immediate environs, is the reason why I rate this the 6th WORST MALL in Toronto.
#5 FAIRVIEW MALL
This mall is the mall you and your friends used to always go to in your early teens. It had everything you needed, a theatre, an arcade, a fairly decent food court. But now that you've gotten older, you have moved on to newer, flashier institutions of commerce. The point in your life when you started buying clothes for yourself instead of getting your mom to buy them for you is a pretty reliable watershed mark for this transition.
The Cineplex Odeon movie theatre which used to lord over the food court in the heart of the mall enevitably closed down (it was converted into a persian rug store) due to its inability to compete with the giant 20+ theatre Megaplexes which sprang up all around Toronto in the mid-late 90's. If you ever find yourself re-visiting this kind of place, it's mostly out of sheer nostagia or that you're simply too lazy to go to the good mall where you have to dress up like a fashion model on the fucking runway. For it's laid-back, unpretentious atmosphere I'm willing to begrudge Fairview Mall a *bit* of slack- but to a point. There are things; such as all of the abysmally BORING and utterly USELESS shops which have no appeal to anyone other than REALLY old people who just wander around aimlessly only to ocassionally stop and stare for hours at anything that looks remotely "new-fangled".
Receintly, there has been a bit of reconstuction going on at the moment at Fairview and it may yet see a renaisance of sorts. For example, the afformentioned theatre was re-opened and refurbished by a small movie company (Rainbow Cinemas) equiping the theatres with new seats and a much better sound system, not to mention the vastly cheaper ticket prices than the big boys.
#4 DUFFERIN MALL
Much like Fairview mall, significant parts of the Dufferin mall are undergoing a bit of reconstruction in order to appeal to the younger, trendier crowd. The shops aren't all that bad, however it's not the mall itself per-se, but rather, the bizarre environment and its inhabitants which earn it the No. 4 on this list. Being only one of a few of Toronto's malls located in the downtown core, it has the misfortune of being built within one of the slummiest, seediest, and most impoverished neighborhoods in all the GTA. That neighborhood... (say it with me folks, all together now) is... Parkdale. Probably the last, great untouched shithole in the West End. I guess I understand why civic planners decided to build this place at Dufferin & Bloor, I mean, talk about a convenient location- it's only minutes away from Dufferin subway station AND The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health! (they should incorporate that into their publicity ads). The people who haunt the dreary halls of Dufferin Mall are usually insane beyond all comprehension.
For example, here's just a typical experience that might help to illustrate my point. One day, I was eating in the food court, minding my own goddamned busines when this old black lady started yelling out an impromptu sermon about the healing powers of Jesus onto the unwitting ears of her congregation. She'd stop at some random person while they were half-way through their General Tao's chicken, she would point at them and proclaim at the top of her lungs "Jesus is the ONLY way! Do you want to go to HELL!?! Then you better obey the scriptures! and wait for the RAPTURE!!!"
I watched her from afar as on as she went on accosting everyone, I ardently hoped that she wouldn't confront me (I just can't take that level of crazy during my lunch break). I quickly polished off my Teen burger and fries and watched the old lady just tear into somebody for a good 5-10 minutes straight. because the person was sitting on the far side of a large, tall bench, I couldn't see the victim she chose, nor the reaction on the person's face (I was curious, were they interested by what she was saying? or just ignoring her like the rest?). I got up dumped my tray in the garbage and walked on by past the old lady. I don't know why I had to look back at who she was talking to, but it was a compulsion that HAD to be fulfilled. I looked back to see who the old lady was yelling and hollering at all this time, and my worst suspicions were confirmed. The old lady was yelligng at a completely empty bench. She must have been talking to the angel Gabriel I guess... *shrug*. It's creepy experiences like that, that make Dufferin Mall one of the WORST malls in Toronto to visit.
3# PEANUT PLAZA
If you don't mind the constant and unrelenting fear of possibly catching a stray bullet in your spinal column and becoming a lifelong parapalegic, then by all means, come on down to the Peanut Plaza.
Don't let the cutesie name fool you, this mall is one of the worst crime zones in all the city. It seems like every other day on the local news there's always a bulletin about either a gang shooting, a robbery, a rape, a child abduction or your standard severed-head-in-the-trunk which is reported at the peanut plaza. If you absolutely have to bring your children to this mall, I reccomend that you hold onto them with an iron-clad grasp and never let them leave your sight. If they need to go to the bathroom, just tell them to hold it in or just let them pee their pants. Trust me, it's for the best, I can almost gaurantee they will get molested by the local pedaphiles if they set one foot in there (Gary is in on Wednesdays and Thursdays and Chester is in on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays).
#2 AGINCOURT MALL
My friends and I always refer to Agincourt Mall as simply "Mos Eisley" because, as Obi Wan once declared "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy". There's a very good reason why the above Star Wars reference is designated to this mall. The LCBO is like the cantina, chock-full of every low-life, alcoholic fuck-face you can imagine. In the parking lot out front, in almost every other car, people are hot-boxing it and blaring their obscenely loud subwoofers. The evil "Death Star" (a giant WAL-MART) in the centre, spreads it's florescent glow of depression and angst like vile tendrils, to be felt throughout the entire mall.
Probably the one of the worst (and sadly not the only) feature about Agincourt Mall is the cafeteria-esque "restaurant" which makes Golden Griddle look like fucking Spago. From the menu you'd think it was still 1952, featuring classics like Salisbury steak, frozen peas and instant mashed potatoes for $3.99, and of course the always present giant hunk of roast beef which has been stewing in it's own vile juices since last month. Eating here is mainly for the few homeless people in Scarborough who need a semi-respectable place to swill their two-dollar bottles of beer without being harassed by the police. I don't recommend ANYTHING on the menu unless you are REALLY hungry and you have a cast-iron gut.
AND THE WINNER IS...
#1 BRIDLEWOOD MALL
First off, this is the only mall that I know of in existence which was built around an actual cemetery. The grave site is over 100 years old, and it sits there with the dignified backdrop of a Price Chopper, Rogers Video and parking lot surrounding it. I mean, what the fuck? Who the hell OK'd this? I know it's not as bad as actually building ONTOP of the graveyard, but who the fuck wants to spend an eternity buried on the doorstep of a Zellers? My university professor once referred to Bridlewood Mall as "the ultimate post-modern nightmare of consumerism" (YAY!).
Another big reason why this place is hands-down the #1 worst mall in the city- the food court. It has 2! Count 'em 2 lousy food stands; The Burger joint "Burger Palace" and the Chinese food place "Oriental Wok" (each one facing directly opposite one another from either side of the food court). As a kid I would generally choose the Chinese food place 9 times out of 10 (sweet & sour chicken balls and stir-fried rice were "the shit"), but when I did go to Burger Palace I'd only order the deep fried halibut and fries with gravy (still the best in the city). About 5 years ago the Chinese food place changed ownership and it's never been nearly as good ever since. The old Greek guy who owns the Burger Palace has been there day in, day out for easily over 20 years. Just the other day I passed by the place to eat something out of pure nostalgia, and the guy remembered me from 10 years ago when my mom used to take me. I was amazed how instantly he recognized me. When he retires or dies I feel a bit of my childhood will die along with him... (so don't stop flippin' those burgers asshole!). Regardless of all my blessed childhood memories, Bridlewood Mall is still a giant festering shithole.
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